Chris Milne Writes: Poetry, Philosophy and Essays

Written Approx.: April 2021

“Wake up, it is time to go” the guard reported with rancor. I arose from my small wooden bunk and removed my torn and thin blanket that covered me. I looked around the room where I have been sleeping for the past few weeks. I never thought I’d find myself in a slave labor camp surrounded by lots of strangers, filth, and death – lots of death. I was taken from my home and family, and brought to this camp by my captors. I had no choice in the matter, but alas, at this point I am thankful to be alive. I have seen so much horror, so much dehumanization, so much I thought was not possible – so much evil.

“Lets go ladies, off to the mess hall”. It was time for our daily rations, a small piece of bread and a quarter of a potato. The bare necessities to survive, and enough to get some labor out of us. I sometimes look at these guards, just young men and women. Maybe boys and girls I taught in school. I wonder how they look at me? How they can see me as such a thing? Such a thing devoid of value, underserving of love and kindness…devoid of my humanity.

I sit down and eat. None of us talk, or make eye contact. We know our place, we have accepted our fate. We are destroyed in part, our conscious mind just keeping us afloat. We have all seen a few of us, losing their grip, falling into insanity, into purposelessness. Once you lose hope, once you cannot find a reason to endure the struggles life will bring, life will end not much sooner. The flickering flame of hope is the light of the lighthouse of life; it is your guide, your purpose, your savior.

After our meal we go to the work camps. I am part of a small group assembling building materials. Our group builds nails. A process I have come to enjoy. When you are subjected to the horrors of life, the real horrors, the unspeakable and unthinkable potentials the human animal can conjure up, you realize an important truth. Finding purpose in the little things, finding value and meaning in even the most mundane of tasks, can add so much vigor into life. Sometimes you need to grab onto anything, find even the smallest thing to keep you going.

“Hey you, what are you doing you useless degenerate?” A guard scowls at me. I am confused, what have I done? He hurries to my side and shoves me off my chair. “You do not even know how to assemble a nail, you fucking useless bitch, get up!” He grabs me by my hair and pulls me to my feet. He shoves me and starts escorting me to the door.

This is it. I’ve seen this happen before. Last week a team member had the furnace to hot and wasted some material. She was dragged out of the building into the center of the camp. It was raining and she was covered, and dragged through the mud. The guard shoved her to the ground, spit on her, and griped his pistol. He raised it to her head, and fired. Executions like this are more normal then rare. We try our best to never make a mistake, for a mistake may mean our life.

I am being escorted out of the warehouse. The guard opens the door and brings me to the officers camp, at least he isn’t going to shoot me yet. I wonder, what’s the point of this all? Why am I here suffering this treacherous existence? Is this what life really had planned for me? Is this the life I truly deserved? I sometimes ponder these sorts of questions. I think a place like this – an experience like this – can really shake you, make you more philosophical. It becomes almost necessary to question the meaning of life when you witness such disgust for it, such mistreatment of it. Life’s meaningless become apparent when meaningless suffering is all around

We enter the camp, and the guard throws me to the ground. “This pig cannot even operate basic equipment; I saw her fucking up her work today”. The officer, sitting at a small table with a half full whiskey glass and a cigar in an ash tray, looks up to the guard, “So why do you bring her to me? You know what we do to useless rats like this.” The guard responds, “Yes sir, but she was a teacher, an educator, I thought maybe we could put her to another use instead.” The officer looks up from his notes on the table and makes eye contact with me. I am on my knees cowering to the ground, looking up at him. “What could this disgusting whore teach anyone, how to be the vilest creature on the earth? Get this vermin out of here… maybe use her as an example instead”

I knew what that meant. We’ve seen a few other women be made examples of. Some were publicly raped, and we were forced to watch. The last one was burnt alive. My time has come, my name been called. I do not feel fear, or worry. My fate was signed the second I entered this place. I do not fear death, I have accepted it. It is part of life, just as much as pain, hunger and love are. Fear of death can rule a person. It ruled me when I was a young girl, but alas, now, I almost thirst for it. To be removed from the hell that is here and now, what more could I desire?

Love, comfort, warmth, the embrace of another person. I could not tell you what it feels like to be hugged by someone you love. That, is what I desire more. But, the guard grabs me by my hair and drags me out of the tent. It is raining again, and as he drags me I look up at the sky. I feel nothing but the rain hitting my skin. It comforts me, almost embraces me. I feel connected to life, and the earth.

He brings me to the center square and shoves me hard to the earth. He restrains my hands behind my back with rope and tells me “to wait here.” He is going to assemble everyone, to witness my death. As I wait I look back up at the sky. If there is a God, why this? Why create such a creature, who can look at another of his kind with such disdain. What did I do to deserve this life?  Was I not a good person, was I not deserving of something better? The warmth of my tears brings me back down to earth; I feel them mingling with the droplets of water, of life, that run down my face.

The guard returns, behind him the work camps are emptying. Everyone is coming to celebrate, to bear witness to my departure. I have been in their shoes, and now I am in mine. The other guards are coming as well. One big guard is carrying a small concrete block and what looks to be a broadsword. What…what was about to happen to me? The officer who sealed my fate enter the semi-circle that has formed in front of me. “Today, you bear witness to what could be your fate. This rat cannot even do the simple tasks we have set out to you. She is more useless then we imagined, so we are going to use her as an example.”

The big guard walks in front of me, and places the block down. I realize now my fate…decapitation. I remember learning it was a swift death, as long as the executioner finishes the job in one swing. “I’ve always wanted to try this” the big guard says to another. “Today, you will learn a lesson. If you too, want to join your disgusting friend, then slack off! Be lazy, do no work like your kind does! If that is what you want, you can easily join your friend here, and be next in line!”. The officer continues to ramble to the group, but I zone out. My death is imminent, these are my final moments.

The big guard pushes me down, and lines my head up on the block. I am facing to the east side of the camp. There is a big gap between two buildings, and I see a forest. In that forest I see a young girl. She is wearing a white dress and has long blonde hair. I do not recognize her face. I feel an immense wave of comfort – of peace – come over me. I feel the rain hitting my back and hair, and I feel the rain and my tears flow down my face, onto the concrete block under me.

I close my eyes and begin to ponder. What was this all for? Why am I to die? Why did I suffer such an existence? I open them again and the girl is much closer. She is young, and has bright beautiful eyes; they have the color of hope. She reaches down, and brushes the hair from my face. Then, she kneels before me, and kisses my head.

“My dear, you are a creature of kindness and love. You dedicated yourself to educating the youth, what is a more honorable task then such? You have lived a good life, you did all the good you can, and for that I thank you. I wanted to be with you when you go, is that ok?”. Crying immensely, I mumble a quiet “yes”.

She reaches her left hand and holds mine, and strokes my hair with her other. “I am sorry life led you down this path. No one deserves to suffer like you.” I feel like this girl can hear me, even without my speaking. For in my mind I felt like screaming why!!! WHY THIS BLOODY LIFE!!! And she responded: “I know my dear, it is okay. Your suffering is over now. Life is not fair, and good people end up suffering. But, there is light at the end of the tunnel, there is still hope.”

The girl disappears. I am at peace now.

 I am settled with my fate. Why? Because I realized an important truth. Life isn’t just for me; it isn’t just about me. I may suffer this fate, I may die this unjust death, but life goes on. There will be more, there will be new, there will be you…whoever you are. I am at peace with my circumstance because I know there will be more after me. There will be better days, and better people. I am at peace with death, the injustice I faced, the horrors I experience; for I have hope that people like you, will overcome. I have hope in humanity, the good, the just, the righteous. I have hope that we will overcome our vices, our evils, and become better.

I take a deep breath. I hear the guard behind me take one as well. I can feel him lift the sword. My time has come, my time expired. But there will be anew, and in this time, I have hope…hope that things will get better; for the next travelers of life, voyagers on the journey of time. May they pass through better times, then I, and people before me. Life is progress, and progress we must; for no one, no one…deserves the fate that I….. the end.